Understanding Yourself

“Belonging starts with self-acceptance. Your level of belonging, in fact, can never be greater than your level of self-acceptance, because believing that you’re enough is what gives you the courage to be authentic, vulnerable and imperfect” Brené Brown

I never really believed that I was enough. I had been adopted as a child and even though my parents were great, I still felt I had been thrown away. I felt I had been disposed of and it seemed to me, that this feeling of rejection was instilled in utero. While I was being formed in my mother’s womb, I was unwanted and these feelings of rejection permeated my subconscious before I was even born. Well, that is my own theory anyway.

It wasn’t until I journeyed to find my birth parents that this sense of abandonment started to mend. The knowledge of my origin, heritage and culture, greatly affected my sense of self-worth. I have come to realise that understanding yourself is the first step to belonging and a sense of belonging has a direct effect on how we view ourselves and the world around us.

To Belong

What does it mean to belong? Why is it so vital for our own sense of self and healthy well being? According to Kendra Cherry (psychosocial rehabilitation specialist), our need to belong drives us to seek out comparative human connection. We join groups and follow trends, to gain acceptance, attention and support. Our need to belong affects our behaviour, our attitudes and even the social choices we make. This, in turn, governs our lifestyle and levels of happiness, or unhappiness.

Cherry refers to Abraham Maslow’s hierarchy of needs, where the pyramid-shaped diagram describes five different levels of human need. Ranging from basic to more complex needs, love and belonging sit in the middle range, with self-actualisation being the pinnacle.

What does this mean for you?

“In order to avoid problems such as loneliness, depression, and anxiety, it is important for people to feel loved and accepted by other people” Kendra Cherry

A sense of belonging, feeling loved and accepted is vital for your personal growth and well being. Belongingness is one of the major needs that motivate human behaviour.

How do you get there?

Sometimes having a strong sense of self is a struggle to arrive at. I know for myself, it took the unfolding of my journey home to even begin the process. I grew up feeling like I didn’t belong. I didn’t really understand why I felt this or maybe I just couldn’t articulate it, but I wasn’t connected to anything. Now I understand that this was more likely because I didn’t know who I was.

I was untethered and no matter what I looked for in external affirmations it would never be enough.

For me, finding my birth family has been life-changing. Even though it didn’t work out with the romantic ending, that I would have liked, the knowledge of self that I have gained has completely changed my life. I feel more grounded as a person, just knowing who I am and this has given me strength.

Knowing where you belong

Three years ago, my friend Alison decided it was time that I found my birth parents and place of origin. She was prattling on about heritage, culture, blah blah… “it will be good for you”, she said. I was apprehensive and sceptical, she was insistent and determined. Once we started the journey, it actually didn’t take very long to locate my birth mother (What it really feels like finding your birth family).

I had been born in Auckland, New Zealand, but spent my whole life in Australia and I knew nothing about my homeland. Once I found my birth mother, she gave me my father’s name and two old photos. This then led me to the knowledge of my inheritance. Not money, don’t get excited, but an understanding of my culture and people, which in turn, led to an understanding of myself (Why finding my birth father has changed my life).

Heritage

My father, Dalbert John Kingi was Māori, from the Northland, Ngāpuhi. Of course, this means nothing to you, but to me, it was like opening a chest of priceless treasure. I will never know him personally, he died long ago, but I now know his heritage, through the half brother I met.

When I met my brother Brownie, he talked about our heritage, our family and where we come from. Māori trace their ancestry to one of seven original waka (canoe), that had ventured across the Pacific from the ancestral Polynesian homeland of Hawaiki. He knew our whakapapa (genealogy), pronounced fuc-a-papa (yes, you can have a giggle, I know I did!) It was an incredible experience listening to him talk about ancestors, land and the history of our people.

Everything is connected

Brownie retraced our genealogy through our father’s side, right back to the early ancestors who had arrived in the first waka and then through the Māori creation account. In Māori worldview, whakapapa includes the spiritual realm, the gods of creation and the genealogical descent of all living things. Whakapapa not only includes one’s identity within family networks or tribal structure, but it also connects each individual to the created order, the land, sea and all living things.

Listening to him talk about our history, I felt like I finally belonged somewhere. I was part of this story, I have a history and heritage and this belonging helped to heal within me the sense of abandonment that I had felt all my life. In whakapapa, everything is connected and this bigger, universal perspective gave me a greater appreciation of my own worth.

My understanding is, if Pākehā (non-Māori New Zealander) genealogy is represented by a family tree, then whakapapa is like the whole forest because everything is connected. This understanding then gave me a greater sense of self, because it didn’t matter that my birth mother still has not told her family about me, or that my birth father never knew I existed, I am here, therefore my life matters.

I am enough.

It is the same for you.

Whether you believe the Māori worldview of whakapapa or even understand it, is irrelevant. The point is we are all connected. You are here, so your life matters, you are important.

You can decide what you believe

Your self-worth must come from within yourself, a knowing. You have to decide that you are valuable. If you are relying on external factors to determine your value, then you will always be disappointed.

Knowing you are enough will strengthen your self worth. This then will enable you to know that you belong.

Whakapapa is Like The Whole Forest, acrylic on linen, 61 x 61cm

This is my original painting, I have always outworked my journeys through my art. This is my expression of whakapapa, our connectedness and what it means to belong. Multiple family trees, connected to each other and to the land, sea and sky.

I choose to believe that I a part of a much bigger story and therefore I am valuable. This choice has greatly increased my sense of self-worth and this has given me a feeling of belonging that has empowered my life.

If you are adopted and have ever thought about searching for your birth parents, I recommend it. It may not work out as you hope, but it could also be an empowering adventure. You can read my 10 step plan for how to find your birth parents and let me know if you do. It has changed my life completely. I would love to hear how it works out for you, I wish you every success.

Froyle Davies
I’ve been a visual artist for over 25 years and now I tell my stories.
Let me inspire you with this beautiful free print, ‘Above the Stormy Waters.’

Cheers Froyle